A Confessional Post, Of Sorts

I have been MIA for a while and quite a bit has happened since then. The last few weeks haven't been easy--I've had to make some hard decisions, some big decisions and some disappointing decisions. I've had to be overtly selfish and it made me realize that while I am subtly and sneakily selfish all of the time, I really rarely vocally and actively put myself first. Yikes.

I guess the first thing is I quit my summer job. The hours were overwhelmingly ridiculous for money that truly was not worth it. I would have been working an average of 48 hours a week with one day off about every 11-13 days. This was on top of taking two of the hardest classes at CC--intermediate and advanced Latin and so I would have been occupied literally from 9:00am to midnight every single day for 3 months. I couldn't do it. Not with my health, which while I work really, really hard to stay healthy, I still deal with weird fatigue autoimmune thyroid shit that was diagnosed this last spring on top of the ever present PCOS and also not with my family because my grandfather had a stroke and is really struggling in the aftermath. And lastly, for totally selfish reasons, I want to spend a lot of time with my family, especially my brother who I adore more than words can say and my mom who wants a lot of quality time before I "run away to college." I also want to spend a lot of time with my remaining friends in Colorado Springs. I don't know when I am going to get to hang out with T&M again and even though Jessi will be pretty close to me in LA, it's still not like she will be up the block like we are now. I also have another person in my life that I feel like deserves a lot of time and attention that I just wouldn't be able to give--we would have had to have a post-midnight relationship and that seems a little cheap. All of these things mattered more to me than $8.00 an hour. I resigned from my position a couple of weeks ago. I felt sad and sorry because I had a lot of loyalty toward my place of employment but I just couldn't do what they were asking me to.

And then the next bomb hit. I got a few days into my Latin class and was struggling intensely. I had studied really hard before the class began but I was nowhere near the level that the class required. The class itself demanded a high level of sophistication and the homework increased every day. I was spending 8-9 hours on what should have taken me 4-5. Not good. I should have know that Latin on the block plan does not mix with me. Studying on my own over a long period of time worked--intensive Latin memorization daily does not for me. We were reading Caesar's book about the Gauls. I was getting the gist (sometimes) but the idiosyncrasies of the grammar were evading me consistently. On the third day of the class, after a heart to heart with my mom and with Jessi, I decided to drop the class and petition to get a refund. Again, another hard decision and I am sad if I have disappointed the Classics department, particularly Owen Cramer who I adore pretty much more than anyone else in this world and who has been exceptionally kind to my but I was a round peg in a square hole. (Think about it for a sec.)

I am struggling with these decisions. I get validation from being busy and I have a weird Protestant work ethic thing where I think that hard things must be good things. (That's what she said.) I feel guilty not working because with the exception of Wales and a few weeks in summer 2006, I have been working since I was 16. I don't know how to fill all of my time and I feel like a wastrel. But at other times, I feel peaceful and I hope that I figure out how to get satisfaction out of a more slowly paced life. I also feel healthy. I have been able to eat right for the most part (except for the peanut butter martinis at happy hour--like 10 points each but OH SO GOOD) and I have been gymming it regularly and sleeping heartily. It's not a bad way to live for a little while.

So now, I am a professional bum. A pretty poor bum but my needs are reasonably few. But it feels nice. I am watching a lot of movies, going to the gym and getting my apartment ready to move out of. This weekend, I, along with my two favorite strong men in my life, moved all of my furniture and other assorted crap into a POD, to be shipped to Pasadena. I was ridiculously worried that all of my stuff would not fit into it but more fit into it than beyond my wildest dreams. So, I am not left in the aftermath of my apartment with an air mattress and the remnants of what I decided not to take with me. It is, unfortunately, more than I intended but I am just going to have a gigantic garage sale in July. My living room is empty but the bedroom is still chaotic. I have until June 30 to solve all of this though.

Well, I had originally intended for this post to be a bit confessional, in part because I am embarrassed that I have failed to do what I set out to do this summer and partially because I feel just like a failure in general but slowly, this feeling is beginning to dissipate. I don't regret my choices even though I am sad that I had to either hurt or disappoint some people. io think this might be one of those adult lessons where you learn that sometimes, you have to let people down and that that's ok. Oh man, I need to go watch an after school special.

Camping!

I'm leaving today for a combination of camping and Casa Bonita.  How is that not awesome?  I spent pretty much every summer in Rocky Mountain National Park as a kid and I am excited to do it before I leave for Cali.   It's possibly the most beautiful place in the world.  

Failure at Life

I'm kind of failing at being the person I want and should be for the past week or so. I'm not being very nice to my body, I'm not doing what I need to do for my intellect and my mood is certainly suffering for it. Also, my apartment is dirty and that is not how I like to be either. Not to mention piled high with boxes destined for Pasadena.

The worst parts are that I am not being the sister, daughter, friend and other things that I should be either. I'm trying but obviously not hard enough. I just can't get my head together.

I don't feel like this very often. I hope it passes quickly because I have a lot of things to do, people to please and spirits to raise this summer. :(